Engaged: What to Do in the First Month

For a few weeks after you get engaged, you don’t have to do anything at all. That is the most important thing to know. Almost every decision about the wedding can wait a month, and the couples who rush into venue tours in the first week often find themselves committed to a date, a place and a budget before they’ve had the conversations that should have come first.

Enjoy it. Then, when you’re ready, here is the order.

Telling people

Parents and the closest family first, in person if you can, by telephone if you can’t, and before anything appears online. The order matters more than people expect: a parent who learns from a photograph on someone else’s feed may take a long time to forget it. If your families have never met, this is also the moment to suggest that they do.

Then close friends, especially anyone you might ask to be in the wedding party. You don’t need to ask them yet.

Then everyone else. Announce it however you like. A newspaper announcement is still a lovely thing for families that care about such things; the archive has announcement wording for the post-wedding kind, and the forms are similar.

The ring

Have it sized. A ring that is too loose will be lost; too tight will not come off when your fingers swell in the heat. Most jewelers resize a ring within a week or two.

Insure it — either as a named item on your home insurance or with a specialist jewelry policy — and have it appraised for the insurance value. Keep the paperwork and a photograph.

Learn to clean it, and have the setting checked once a year. Prongs wear, and a stone lost from a worn setting is the most common engagement-ring disaster.

If the ring hasn’t been bought yet, or you’re choosing it together, the archive’s guide to buying a diamond still explains the four Cs clearly.

The conversation

Before you look at a single venue, sit down together — just the two of you, then with anyone who is contributing — and talk about four things:

• The budget. A single number, and who is contributing what. The wedding budget explains why this comes first.
• The size. A dozen people, a hundred, three hundred? The guest list is the number that multiplies against every other line.
• The season and roughly how long you want to be engaged. Choosing the date explains what each season gives you.
• The feeling. A church and a formal dinner, a garden and a long lunch, a city hall and a party for your friends. You don’t need details — just a shared picture.

Most engaged couples discover they agree about more than they expected, and disagree about one or two things strongly. Better to find those now than in a venue’s office.

An engagement party

Entirely optional. Traditionally hosted by the bride’s parents, now hosted by anyone — the couple, either family, close friends — and as formal or informal as you like. The only real rule is this: invite only people you intend to invite to the wedding. An engagement-party guest who isn’t asked to the wedding will notice.

Gifts are not expected at an engagement party, though some guests bring them.

What to start thinking about

Not booking — thinking. In the first month or two, it’s worth:

• Starting a shared list of the people you would invite, with no commitment.
• Visiting a couple of venues just to get a sense of prices and what you like.
• Asking married friends what they would do differently.
• Reading one good overview of the whole process. How to Plan a Wedding, From Yes to Honeymoon sets out the order, and the 12-month planning checklist turns it into a list.

What to change, practically

If you plan to change your name, there is nothing to do until after the wedding; you’ll need the marriage certificate. The archive’s name-change checklist lists the places that will need to know.

If you’re combining finances or moving in together, this is a good time to talk about how. It is not romantic, and it is one of the most useful conversations an engaged couple can have.

Then, when you’re both ready, book the venue.